30 Days of Thanksgiving – Day 8

“It is very hard to keep bringing all of our past under the light of gratitude.  There are so many things about which we feel guilt and shame, so many things we simply wish had never happened.  But each time we have the courage (emphasis mine) to look at ‘the all of it’ and to look at it as God looks at it, our guilt becomes a happy guilt and our shame a happy shame because they have brought us to a deeper recognition of God’s mercy, a stronger conviction of God’s guidance, and a more radical commitment to a life in God’s service” (Nouwen, ‘Here and Now, p. 82).

Courage.  I’ll be the first to admit that where my family history is concerned, I have the least capability for exercising courage.  Don’t get me wrong.  My childhood is one I wouldn’t trade for anything.  I had the best support around me, loving family members that didn’t have the riches of this world but had the stoutest hearts that loved and cared for me.  But the fact remains that things happen.  And some stay with us longer than others, ribbing us at the most unexpected places.  As Nouwen said, there are things we’d rather not remember or wish weren’t part of our story.

And here is where I will revisit…where I will rewrite our story.  Not forgetting that part of our family history because really, there is no forgetting in our earthly brains except for disorders that force out memories.  Rather, it’s a remembering…so that we may seek for many chances to bestow and receive new grace.  

I am not the best at bestowing grace.  Honestly.  I have issues.  But I have been at the receiving end of grace undeserved.  Humbled.  That’s how I feel.  Not the shameful humbling but the kind humbling.  And grateful.  For family with incredible selective amnesia (figuratively speaking), unwavering friendships, and formidable acceptance.  Acceptance…regardless of the past, of personality differences, what-have-ya.

That’s “the all of it.”  A richer connection with family members who demonstrated with genuine honesty a radical kind of acceptance.  A self-awareness to be more intentional bestowing grace, not out of duty but of joy.

Sara Groves, a singer-songwriter I admire for her honest words, sums this up pretty good in a song she wrote called, “Rewrite This Tragedy.”

Sometimes it’s hard to tell what to keep and what to kill
What of this makes us who we are
All that we love the most, all that we cannot let go
How much of change can we survive?

I’m here to re-write this tragedy
One line at a time
Hold on, I’m changing all the scenery
It’s okay we’ll be fine
Cause we know how this ends
We know there’s a better story

There’s a better story
Of true love of true grace
There’s the hope of glory
And our first chance to be truly brave
It’s the place we’re going
When we can’t stay where we are

I’m holding up for the hope of glory, a better story.  In the meantime, I bring myself at the foot of the cross to ask for that different kind of courage to extend new grace.  Thankful for His mercy, new every day!